Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Scary good advice

I actually like Halloween. It's the holiday least like Valentine's Day, dropping the chances of a pink hearts infestation to almost zero. Well, except the idiots dressing up as Cupid. Pink short skirts, high heels and long curly hair -- is this how you love fools envision Cupid? Really?

Well, I guess it's a far cry from the chubby cherub of Greek mythology.

Yeah, I know, there's still two weeks until the big day, but I thought this question appropriate for the month.

"Drake" writes:
"My girlfriend always acts like she wants me to be someone else. What should I do?"
Get thee to a Halloween store!

No really, never has there been a better time to experiment. Claw your way into a wolf costume (you bad!), or flash those new vampire fangs. Increase your strength by turning into The Hulk. Save the world as Captain America. Hell, don a pair of pink heels and pretend to be Cupid (or a drag Queen) for all I care. This month, you can be anyone you want to be.

Personally, I'd be single.

A leopard only changes his spots at Halloween - and even that's only on the surface. If she doesn't like you for who you are - this month or any month - kick her to the curb and find someone who does. Like, maybe Nurse Betty over there.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dumped? Don't do this

I'm running low on time this week, so we'll just skip all the niceties, right? Oh, except to remind you love fools that I'm not Dr. Ruth. Please don't send me your questions about sex positions, vibrators or whips. I'm not a prude, but the thought of your sex life kind of makes me want to throw up a bit in my mouth.

Moving on.

"Melissa" writes:
"I got dumped. What do I do?" 
You mean after you have a party, right?

Listen, love makes people do dumb things. I'm definitely not the girl to ask about what you SHOULD do, but I know what you shouldn't.

1. Beg. Ever.
2. Persistent text or call. Lose his contact info. Forever.
3. Stalk. Actually, I'm on the fence about this one so maybe ask someone else.
4. Sleep with his best friend. Actually, this doesn't seem so bad, either.
5. Throw his stuff on the front lawn. The alley or trash can - no matter how much further you have to walk - will provide you with greater satisfaction.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My father, Caine Valentine, was responsible for the everlasting hook-up of two soap stars back in the 80s. He then watched the show every weekday until he died. I never understood it. Bloody hell, there's enough drama in real life.

And this week's question proves it.

"Bo" writes:
"My girlfriend is over protective of her phone. I think she's having an affair. What should I do?" 
Hire a private investigator! Spare no expense!

No really. Have him follow your girlfriend everywhere, watch her every step, every move she makes. And make sure he's listening to The Police's Every Breath You Take while he's at it.

Because that's going to be on the soundtrack of your sorry life story when she dumps your ass for being insecure and paranoid.

What the hell do you need to look on her cell phone for?

There are many, MANY, signs of infidelity - but coveting thy iPhone isn't even at the top of the list. Trust me. Unless you've got proof - and I'm talking more than a new shade of lipstick - then you need to back up the paranoia truck.

Insecurity is a serious turn off. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger