Tuesday, April 24, 2012

When a kiss is just...gross

Yeah, I know. I'm late. As my assistant "informed" me, it's already Wednesday in some parts of the world. But contrary to what many of you love fools think, my job doesn't revolve around your questions.

Which is why I picked the easiest of the bunch for this week's "advice." Bloody hell. "Krista" is just lucky I've had a shot of whiskey.

"How much PDA is too much?" 
All of it.

Okay, maybe I'm a bit anal about that.

I'd wager "Krista" is a teenager, so I'll be blunt. But let's face it, my response would be the same whether you're 16 or 66. Holding hands is acceptable. Hugging, sure - just keep your wandering hands in check. And a quick peck, if you must, is fine, too.

But the minute my gag reflex kicks into gear and I have to bite my lip to avoid shouting "Get a room!" you're crossing the PDA boundary. Excessive groping isn't just gross, it's rude. Have a little respect for yourself - and everyone else - and keep your tongue inside your own mouth.

I know, love bites. (It's better if it bites in the bedroom...)

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hey, there's an app for that

It's bad enough I've had to start carrying a "smart phone" to keep up with emails and the social media crap my assistant is forcing on me. But now I'm questioning whether technology is worth the hype.

Check out this question from "Fred" who asks:
"I've downloaded some online dating apps to my phone and have seen a few chicks I'd like to ask out, but how do I know if they're telling the truth on their profile?" 

You can't.

I'm well aware that plain old sex is available with just a few clicks of your iPhone - and I'm not talking about the vibration app you think is hidden from your home screen. But if you're looking beyond anatomy, you're going to need more than a quickie click.

I'm sure there are a few honest online daters out there, but based on the flood of questions re-routed to my inbox, I'd say they're few and far between.

The lie typically starts with the profile pic. Even if the photograph is real, it's unlikely to be an accurate representation of the person right now. And based on that likely false image, your brain starts filling in details...wow, she has a great smile, I bet she eats healthy. Maybe she's a vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian! And I like to cook...so maybe SHE likes to cook. We could cook together. Clearly, she's PERFECT for me.

See where I'm going with that?

In reality, she could be a serial killer, carnivore who eats her victims while enjoying a nice bottle of merlot. Those perfect teeth? She's probably married to a dentist.

Either way, you're not going to sleuth that information from a profile pic. My advice? Meet in a public place, and ask for back-up documentation. After the profile pic, the second biggest lie is age. Sure it's just a number, but it could be the difference between jail time or a senior's discount at the diner. If she won't show her driver's license, run.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Friends that don't get benefits

I've really been working on my professionally undiagnosed tourette syndrome. My assistant says it's bad Cupid PR to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

So, I'm going to temper my response a little in my advice to "Nancy" who asks:
"What kind of guy says "NO" to a friends with benefits offer?" 

Maybe a smart one.

Off the cuff, I can think of three reasons your guy might reject an arrangement hinged on sex. My bet is, you're not going to like any of them.

1. You're psycho. Sure, girls "say" all the time they can handle sex without strings. Few actually can. For the most part, chicks aren't programmed that way, and guys know it. I could be wrong - though I'm hardly ever wrong - but I'd guess you made the offer because that's the only way you think you can get him. Maybe you're hoping your Kama Sutra skills will make him change his mind. It won't. And that's when you'll become psycho. Clingy. Needy. Desperate. He's saying "no" to bypass that messy scene. And who could blame him?

2. He's not single. And lo and behold, the guy's got morals. Sure, he's tempted but if he answers your midnight booty call, he runs the risk of girlfriend/spouse finding out (and they almost always do) or ruining a sure thing. Cheating statistics are up, but not by the guys with the scruples to say "No."

3. He's just not that into you. Maybe you thought that giant tattoo on your forehead was cute in college, but to this guy, it might be a warning beacon to stand back. Or maybe toothpicks aren't his thing. Whatever the case, you're physically not doing it for him - which means you won't be doing it with him, either.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Inflating his ego

Spring has sprung and things are really looking up - especially for the boyfriend of "Rachel" who blasts me with probably the stupidest question I've ever heard. Brace yourself, Rachel's BF is a real boob. (Ha!)

"I really love my boyfriend and he says he wants to get married. But he won't propose until I get breast implants. He's hoping for a Double D." 

I bet he is.

Bloody hell. I could stuff my shirt with a pair of wool socks and still be a couple cups short of a D. And you can bet your ass I'd drop kick the first guy who asked me to get implants. But hey, that's just me.

You? Well, you're a fool. Your boob job will only help to inflate his already over ripe ego.

I'm willing to bet you've already made up your mind so quoting statistics and waxing poetic about "loving yourself the way you are" is going to go in one ear and out the other. I just hope you're smart enough to ask for an enlargement of your own.

That rock better guide ships home at night.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger