Thursday, March 29, 2012

Sad Songs Blogfest

I think Jagger jinxed my blog post. I spent hours finding some of the best love songs of all time so I could take part in Spunk on a Stick's Sad Song Blogfest this morning.

I had the post ready for automatic publishing, even.

I woke up this morning, and it was gone. Completely.

So I'm going to do a quick and dirty version. First, let me clear the air. I am NOT Jagger.

I believe in romance. In love at first sight. In happily ever after. Too bad my aim is shit.

Monday through Friday, I fetch Jagger's coffee (she likes Hazelnut flavor), dream about Mr. Right, and mop up after Jagger's misses. Trust me, Cupid PR is a full-time job.

Here's the top 10 songs I listen to when Jagger isn't in the office, because hey, I'm a romantic, not an idiot.

1. Fools Rush In - Elvis (and many others)
I love this UB40 take on a classic love song.

2. Must Have Been Love - Roxette
Um, you've seen Pretty Woman, right? Best romantic movie ever. Even though I've seen it a hundred times, I want to shout at the screen, "don't worry, Julia! It IS love and he's coming for you..." Though, you kind of deserve to be led on a bit for that cheesy last line.

3. Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds
Another classic movie anthem. The Breakfast Club is a brilliant love story - and hey, Judd, I've never forgotten about you.

4. Every Breath You Take - The Police
Jagger calls this the creepy stalker song, but I think she just doesn't get it. I mean, how romantic is it that Sting is singing about a girl he loves so much, he can't stop watching her...right?

5. Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
If Ghost doesn't make you believe in eternal love, I know of a certain Cupid that would like to have coffee with you. For the rest of us, there's Patrick, Demi, and this song.

6. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
I admit, I loves me some boy bands. And a list without this Backstreet Boys song would be...well, incomplete.

7. Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
Yeah, Bonnie, I fall apart when I listen to this song, too. Sigh.

8. I'd Do Anything For Love - Meatloaf
In one Meatloaf song, love is out of the question, but in this cheesy (but awesome) ballad, lead vocalist Marvin Lee Aday would do anything for it...except lie. I like a man with morals.

9. Thank You for Loving Me - Bon Jovi
Yes, I do love you Jon, and all of your sad love songs. You're welcome.

10. I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner
Okay, so this is my true love mantra. It's the song that makes me want to run after Mr. Right screaming, "I want to know what love is. I want YOU to show me." I don't think that's obsessive at all.

Wow...that was kind of...depressing. Excuse me while I rob Jagger's stash of JD and join her long list of unloved, unrequited and just plain desperate.

But not you. YOU should go check out the rest of the blogs in the Spunk on a Stick's Sad Song Blogfest. Jagger will return to her snarky self on Truth Tuesday.

- The Assistant

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Drunk hook-up? Keep drinking

Time for a reality check, people. I get about 100 questions a week from you romance-challenged love fools, 100 more than I want to deal with. 

Most of the time, my assistant skims through the text, shortens it to one concise question and fires it off to me.
But neither of us could figure out how to shorten this drivel from "Jane" into one paragraph, let alone a single question. So hey, if I have to suffer, you can, too. Call it my version of spreading the love. (I almost gagged there.)

"Jagger, I got so drunk at an office party one night when my husband was out of town that, well, the VP of Sales looked so cute and inviting that we took it to a suite at the hotel. I woke up with a hangover that would have sunk the Titanic next to a man thirty years older than I am, looking in the light of day like an albino prune. I couldn't believe what I did.

Some friends say I should confess to my husband of fifteen years what I did to get it off my chest. They think I should beg for forgiveness. Others say I have no right to tell him, since I love him and won't ever do anything like this again, and that telling him will result in a loss of fifteen years of trust.

Really? For one lousy night?

Help me, Jagger. What should I do?"

Really? Were you still drinking when you wrote this, "Jane"? 

Whether you tell your husband or not, he's going to find out. You told your friends, and sugar, trust me, your name is already doing laps on the rumor mill. No matter how close you think you are, girls gossip. Yes, even friends.

But let's pretend you've got the kind of besties who will keep your secret close to their chests. Of course you should tell your husband - and then get on your knees. 

To beg for forgiveness. 

Because darling, you broke that 15 years of trust the minute you and Mr. Cute VP of Sales hooked up. (By the way, you don't actually think your co-workers missed you two sneaking off together, do you? If they're not snickering to your face, they're doing it behind your back.)

Bloody hell, and they blame me for today's high divorce rates.

Fess up, Jane, and take the consequences like a woman.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Oh yeah - I almost forgot. My assistant is taking over my blog this Friday to take part in some sad song blogfest. Knowing Heidi, there will be a lot of songs about love and losing love and blah blah blah. If you have an overwhelming desire to cry in your beer, you might want to check it out, March 30.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Flirting with danger

Hey you. Yes, YOU, the love fool with the spray paint. I don't give a shit if you want to replace the "C" on my lawn sign with a neon "ST" - but get caught and we'll see who the "stupid" one is.

Bloody hell.

Heads up, Truth followers, I'm in a surly mood and there's not enough Sweethearts in the world to make a dent. My assistant sifted through the hundreds of "relationship" questions you've sent over the past few weeks, and selected this whopper from,

"My best friend's husband and I always flirt, but lately, I feel like he's crossing some boundaries. I'm nervous about my husband thinking the wrong thing if he saw our emails?"

Holy hell, Daisy. This is all kinds of wrong. You're married. He's married. She's your best friend. No wonder "jealous rage" is a growing cause of death.


If he's crossing boundaries, then for God's sake, stop flirting. It doesn't get much more simple than that. Almost everyone has fantasies about having sex with someone other than their spouse - that's normal.

What isn't normal is exchanging sexy emails / texts / googly eyes /body fluids. The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice, instead, motivated by circumstance and emotion. Clearly something's messed up in your marriage (not to mention his) - fix it. Or get out. But don't use your best friend's husband to raise your self esteem - emotional infidelity can inflict as much, if not more hurt, pain and suffering as if you're caught actually doing the nasty. Is it worth it?

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Settle down? You'd have to be crazy!

Finally, a question I can really sink my teeth into.

"Commitment Phoebe" asks

 "I'm in a relationship with a great guy, but I'm not ready to settle down. Am I being silly?"

Hell no! Buy yourself a hero cookie for bypassing those rose-colored glasses. Sure he's Mr. Wonderful right now, but what happens when you move in together and he starts leaving the toilet seat up, drinking all your Jack Daniels, or worse, turning your dog into a drooling, treat-seeking traitor?

Settling, and settling down - two BIG relationship no-no's as far as I'm concerned. If the sex is good and you're satisfied, why change anything?  
But if he's the one already dreaming in white picket fences and mini-vans, I'd consider kicking this Mr.Desperate to the curb before things get out of hand.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Back in the saddle again

Turns out my Straight Jacket suggestion of last week wasn't overly popular. You can stop spamming my e-mail lady - I warned you.

Just like I'm warning this week's love fool, "Pete" who comes at me with this question:

After 26 years of divorce, and a few dates inbetween, can you give me a good reason to jump into the fire, or a good reason to stay out of it?

"Pete" goes on to say, "Thanks, Jagger. I'm asking you because I know you'll pull no punches."

Yeah, well, maybe save the thanks until you've read my response.

26 years? Bloody hell. Why would you even WANT to get back in the saddle again?

Look, the whole "dating" thing gives me the heebie jeebies. I can't even imagine doing it after 26 years, so I'm hard pressed to give you ONE good reason to jump back into the fire. Sex maybe...but it would be cheaper to buy a blow-up doll.

* deep breath *

I get that some people need companionship, romance, blah blah blah. And if you're one of those people, then I guess you've got your reasons for hopping on the dating merry-go-round. All the power to ya.

Personally, you wouldn't catch me on that ride for all the Jack Daniels in the world.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger