Wednesday, February 29, 2012

To commit or not to commit

Technology bites.

I was supposed to blog yesterday and the bloody Internet kept crapping out on me. Now I've got a bunch of angry new love fools looking for advice. You people really are suckers for punishment. I figured after last week's post, my advice would be as welcome as a Christmas party hangover. I was wrong.

Wouldn't be the first time.

This week's question comes from "Number Dancer" (How original)

"I've been dating a man for three years. How do I get him to commit?"

Order this.

Really? You can't hurry love, and forcing it is illegal, so your options are pretty much limited. Might be time for some self reflection - why are you looking for commitment? If it's that big a deal, you could try an ultimatum (good luck with that), or maybe stop settling for Mr. Right Now and grasp blindly in the dark for that, you know, true love BS.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Cheater or surprise sneaker?

And so it begins...

In the name of accessibility - or frankly keeping my new assistant off my ass - I'm going to start dishing out advice for you lovefools people every Tuesday. Consider it, Truth Tuesday. Ha!

Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. It ain't going to be pretty.

This from "Aaron."

My boyfriend has been very distant and secretive lately. What are the chances that he's planning a surprise (marriage proposal?) versus him cheating on me?


Look honey, I hate to be the one to break your heart, but the statistics on cheating kind of bite. About 22% of married men admit they've strayed at least once during their marriage. But even more alarming - 70% of their spouses had no idea it was going on. Seriously?

Lipstick on the collar? Late night meetings? Hushed conversations? Do you really need to be beat over the head with your vibrator? They're cliches for a reason...

Women aren't much better - 14% admit to having looked for "love" in all the wrong places. It's just men are better at reading the clues. Only 58% missed the bright neon "your wife is cheating" sign.

Seriously though, if your betrothed isn't in the habit of planning surprises, crossing your fingers isn't going to get you closer to the alter. My advice, ditch this heartless cheater.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Monday, February 13, 2012

Unsolicited advice and general snark

Bloody hell.

My new assistant says I need to be more accessible. It's not enough she signed me up for Twatter or Twitter or whatever it's called, but now I have to start giving out advice like some kind of Ann Landers. It ain't gonna to be pretty, people.

So for those of you not lined up outside my office door with your tragic love stories and desperate pleas, go ahead and send your relationship questions using the form. Just don't expect pink balloons and cotton candy answers. I hate pink - and I missed some critical course in Cupid PR.

I don't send private messages and I don't pull any punches. So if you don't want your name splashed all over this blog, I suggest you use a fake one.

I do, however, take bribes. As long as it's a bottle of JD.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger