Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Scary good advice

I actually like Halloween. It's the holiday least like Valentine's Day, dropping the chances of a pink hearts infestation to almost zero. Well, except the idiots dressing up as Cupid. Pink short skirts, high heels and long curly hair -- is this how you love fools envision Cupid? Really?

Well, I guess it's a far cry from the chubby cherub of Greek mythology.

Yeah, I know, there's still two weeks until the big day, but I thought this question appropriate for the month.

"Drake" writes:
"My girlfriend always acts like she wants me to be someone else. What should I do?"
Get thee to a Halloween store!

No really, never has there been a better time to experiment. Claw your way into a wolf costume (you bad!), or flash those new vampire fangs. Increase your strength by turning into The Hulk. Save the world as Captain America. Hell, don a pair of pink heels and pretend to be Cupid (or a drag Queen) for all I care. This month, you can be anyone you want to be.

Personally, I'd be single.

A leopard only changes his spots at Halloween - and even that's only on the surface. If she doesn't like you for who you are - this month or any month - kick her to the curb and find someone who does. Like, maybe Nurse Betty over there.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dumped? Don't do this

I'm running low on time this week, so we'll just skip all the niceties, right? Oh, except to remind you love fools that I'm not Dr. Ruth. Please don't send me your questions about sex positions, vibrators or whips. I'm not a prude, but the thought of your sex life kind of makes me want to throw up a bit in my mouth.

Moving on.

"Melissa" writes:
"I got dumped. What do I do?" 
You mean after you have a party, right?

Listen, love makes people do dumb things. I'm definitely not the girl to ask about what you SHOULD do, but I know what you shouldn't.

1. Beg. Ever.
2. Persistent text or call. Lose his contact info. Forever.
3. Stalk. Actually, I'm on the fence about this one so maybe ask someone else.
4. Sleep with his best friend. Actually, this doesn't seem so bad, either.
5. Throw his stuff on the front lawn. The alley or trash can - no matter how much further you have to walk - will provide you with greater satisfaction.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My father, Caine Valentine, was responsible for the everlasting hook-up of two soap stars back in the 80s. He then watched the show every weekday until he died. I never understood it. Bloody hell, there's enough drama in real life.

And this week's question proves it.

"Bo" writes:
"My girlfriend is over protective of her phone. I think she's having an affair. What should I do?" 
Hire a private investigator! Spare no expense!

No really. Have him follow your girlfriend everywhere, watch her every step, every move she makes. And make sure he's listening to The Police's Every Breath You Take while he's at it.

Because that's going to be on the soundtrack of your sorry life story when she dumps your ass for being insecure and paranoid.

What the hell do you need to look on her cell phone for?

There are many, MANY, signs of infidelity - but coveting thy iPhone isn't even at the top of the list. Trust me. Unless you've got proof - and I'm talking more than a new shade of lipstick - then you need to back up the paranoia truck.

Insecurity is a serious turn off. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Love is a battlefield

And so the floodgates have opened...

What? Have all you unrequited, unloved and just plain desperate love fools been sitting on your "urgent" questions, waiting for me? I've got news for you - get used to disappointment. I'm even late this week.

I'm still working through the backlog of your questions, but here's one my assistant dug up from "Ivy" who writes:
"My boyfriend and I seem to fight a lot. He says it's because we're both 'passionate' people but I'm worried it's more." 
So, are we talking knock-em-down, kicking, scratching kind of fighting, or a little love squabble? Because there's a difference.

I don't buy the too "passionate" excuse - especially if it's masking the underlying issues. If your fights are turning abusive - emotional or otherwise - there's no amount of passion to make that work. Time to get out.

But bickering is - I hear - fairly normal in a long-term relationship. Money and kids seem to be the instigators, but I suppose anything can spark a response. Opposites DO attract, but if you're fighting more than getting along, it might be time to find someone you're more compatible with.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

In love with a loser

Before you start bitching about the lack of blog posts over the past few months, let me remind you, there's only one of me, and even Cupid deserves a break. Yes, I'm aware the emails have piled up, that you're desperate for answers, that you "don't know what to do." Boo hoo. Get over it.

My assistant threw all million of your questions in a giant vat and pulled out a gem from "Samantha" who wrote me a bloody tome. So I'm paraphrasing, but you'll get the gist.

"My family and friends think my boyfriend is a loser and that I should dump him -- but I need a another opinion." 
How about this opinion: STOP BEING A DUMB-ASS

Really? You needed to ask for advice? Let's re-cap for those who didn't have the privilege of reading your novel:

  • He's unemployed with no job on the horizon
  • He doesn't drive and hasn't paid for one of your dates
  • His criminal record is the length of your forearm
  • He has three kids from three different women - and hasn't paid a cent in child support
Need I go on? Run, don't walk, away from this relationship. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Love lessons from Hollywood...really!

Please tell me no one who reads this blog is shocked by the announcement of the "TomKat" divorce. Come on, this marriage didn't stand a chance, even with Cupid intervention.

I could weigh in on any number of the theories floating around cyberspace this week, but I'll keep my opinions to myself (Cupid PR is working!), except this one, because it pertains to a question from

"Crystal" who writes:
"I'm not a religious person, but my fiancee is. Will this be a problem if we get married?" 
Well, I suppose if you're an atheist and he's Christian that's going to prove interesting at family gatherings. Or if your fiancee is, say, a Scientologist. Kidding. Ha!

Sure opposites attract, but within reason. You and your fiancee don't have to have the same religious beliefs, but you do need to have an understanding of how you're going to deal with those differences when it comes to other things - like raising kids. And at the core, is respect.

But that doesn't just go for religion - respect is the cornerstone of all good relationships. Whether you'e respecting each other's choice of faith, or simply respecting your fiancee enough to not wear heels in public. Bloody hell, maybe that's the reason for the TomKat split?

Of course, in real life (vs Hollywood life), all of this should be sorted out before you walk down the aisle.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Friday, June 8, 2012

50 shades of No

Alright, already! Yes, I know it's been more than two weeks since my last "advice" post - but people, stop the harassment. Bloody hell, what did you do BEFORE I started this blogging?

My inbox is full, overflowing. It's obscene. The only saving grace is that most of you haven't resorted to writing in pink text. (FYI, if you do write in pink, your email will be deleted. Unread.)

But what's even more disgusting is the theme of these emails. Is there anyone out there who hasn't read 50 Shades of Grey? And no, I don't think Christian Grey is sexy (he isn't real, people.)

Personally, I'm not into bondage, whips and floggers - but hey, what you do in your own bedroom is your damn business.

Unless it becomes abusive - physical, mental, or emotional.

"Beck" asks
"My girlfriend is always putting me down. Should I stay with her?" 
My knee jerk reaction says no, and I'm tempted to call you a wimp for not already walking. But my ever-opimistic assistant has reminded me I haven't been the greatest communicator lately and in her PR-savvy eyes, labelling you a pansy ass is a big fat No.

But so is the verbal/emotional abuse your "Mrs. Grey"is dishing out. Nobody deserves to be demeaned...well, except...never mind. 

Look, I'm not in your bedroom, thank the gods, and I understand there are extenuating circumstances in almost every situation. Maybe she's suffering some of her own insecurities, or whatever. Bottom line, it's a control thing - and unacceptable.

And you can either suck it up and be a door mat...or hit the road. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Cure for the wandering eye

Can you believe I've been doing this blogging crap for 17 weeks?  I can't remember the last time I did anything for 17 weeks without bitching. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I'm always bitching.

Kind of like "Rose" who asks,
"My boyfriend of 5 years has wandering eyes. How do I get him to stop?" 
Aside from knocking him out? You can't.

Look, there's nothing wrong with your boyfriend checking out the menu, as long as he isn't ordering on the side. Everybody looks, that's normal. And if you don't, you'd better check for a pulse.

However, it's once thing to glance and another to ogle. If his obvious ogling is making you uncomfortable, then try talking about it first. Figure out why he's being so obvious - is he just looking for attention? Why? What's missing in your relationship? 

Or, maybe he's just a pig.

If communication doesn't work, my advice is to send him packing. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

No means No. No, really.

Why do some women have to give the rest of us a bad name? Bloody hell.

I almost feel sorry for "Chuck"
"I asked a girl out and she said No. A couple months later, she berates me in front of her friends for not knowing she meant 'not right now.' I'm confused. When does No mean No?" 
This is the bullshit that drives me to drink. The game playing, the mixed signals. It's like perpetual high school out there.

So, let me make this clear: No always means, NO.  

That's the message everyone needs to understand.

If this chick really meant "not right now" she should have said that instead of being a bitch and making you look like a fool in front of her friends.

But really, you are a fool. Any woman who uses you as her personal ego boost isn't worth the time it took to ask me this question. No does mean No, and if she ever comes sniffing around you, that had better be your response, too.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Be passive. Or agressive. Both is lame.

I know they say all is fair in love and war, but why the bloody hell does there have to be so much drama? 

I'd bet a bottle of JD "Charlie" is still in high school, though I've seen 50-year-olds play these same games:
"My girlfriend wrote a blog post to tell me what a dick I am, but didn't SAY the post was about me. Is that passive aggressive?" 

But you're no better, Romeo. 

Look, I'm no expert at communication, but both of you need to put on your big girl panties. Got something to say? Be aggressive and own it (or point the finger of blame)...or be passive and move on. Don't do both. That's lame.

And, airing your relationship drama on the internet? It's not your personal diary, and I have to assume she's smart enough to know that. She wrote it because she wants you (and your friends, her friends, etc)  to read it - mostly because she doesn't have the parts to tell you to your face. Don't be too hard on her though, your cojones aren't exactly filling out your jock strap.

In your email, you admit your girlfriend reads this blog - which is why you asked me instead of your locker buddies. 

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Don't mess with the Bromance

I don't have many friends. Shocking, I know.

I'm okay with that...but maybe I'm not the best person to answer this question from "Beth" -- oh hell, of course I am. It just might not be the answer she's looking for.
"My boyfriend and I have been together one year and things are wonderful. But his childhood best friend is always around. How can I get him to bug off?" 
Keep dreaming.

I may not be an authority on friendships, but I've been around the block enough times to recognize the true bonds that tie, and unless you're a freaking magician in bed, you're no match for a real-life bromance.

Why bother competing?

Grit your teeth and buckle down for a threesome - without the fringe benefits, of course. Because until the BFF figures you're no threat to a time-tested routine of beer-swilling, football-watching Sundays, you're always in danger of being kicked to the curb. Think I'm exaggerating? Try coming between your man and the NHL playoff games this week.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

When a kiss is just...gross

Yeah, I know. I'm late. As my assistant "informed" me, it's already Wednesday in some parts of the world. But contrary to what many of you love fools think, my job doesn't revolve around your questions.

Which is why I picked the easiest of the bunch for this week's "advice." Bloody hell. "Krista" is just lucky I've had a shot of whiskey.

"How much PDA is too much?" 
All of it.

Okay, maybe I'm a bit anal about that.

I'd wager "Krista" is a teenager, so I'll be blunt. But let's face it, my response would be the same whether you're 16 or 66. Holding hands is acceptable. Hugging, sure - just keep your wandering hands in check. And a quick peck, if you must, is fine, too.

But the minute my gag reflex kicks into gear and I have to bite my lip to avoid shouting "Get a room!" you're crossing the PDA boundary. Excessive groping isn't just gross, it's rude. Have a little respect for yourself - and everyone else - and keep your tongue inside your own mouth.

I know, love bites. (It's better if it bites in the bedroom...)

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hey, there's an app for that

It's bad enough I've had to start carrying a "smart phone" to keep up with emails and the social media crap my assistant is forcing on me. But now I'm questioning whether technology is worth the hype.

Check out this question from "Fred" who asks:
"I've downloaded some online dating apps to my phone and have seen a few chicks I'd like to ask out, but how do I know if they're telling the truth on their profile?" 

You can't.

I'm well aware that plain old sex is available with just a few clicks of your iPhone - and I'm not talking about the vibration app you think is hidden from your home screen. But if you're looking beyond anatomy, you're going to need more than a quickie click.

I'm sure there are a few honest online daters out there, but based on the flood of questions re-routed to my inbox, I'd say they're few and far between.

The lie typically starts with the profile pic. Even if the photograph is real, it's unlikely to be an accurate representation of the person right now. And based on that likely false image, your brain starts filling in details...wow, she has a great smile, I bet she eats healthy. Maybe she's a vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian! And I like to cook...so maybe SHE likes to cook. We could cook together. Clearly, she's PERFECT for me.

See where I'm going with that?

In reality, she could be a serial killer, carnivore who eats her victims while enjoying a nice bottle of merlot. Those perfect teeth? She's probably married to a dentist.

Either way, you're not going to sleuth that information from a profile pic. My advice? Meet in a public place, and ask for back-up documentation. After the profile pic, the second biggest lie is age. Sure it's just a number, but it could be the difference between jail time or a senior's discount at the diner. If she won't show her driver's license, run.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Friends that don't get benefits

I've really been working on my professionally undiagnosed tourette syndrome. My assistant says it's bad Cupid PR to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

So, I'm going to temper my response a little in my advice to "Nancy" who asks:
"What kind of guy says "NO" to a friends with benefits offer?" 

Maybe a smart one.

Off the cuff, I can think of three reasons your guy might reject an arrangement hinged on sex. My bet is, you're not going to like any of them.

1. You're psycho. Sure, girls "say" all the time they can handle sex without strings. Few actually can. For the most part, chicks aren't programmed that way, and guys know it. I could be wrong - though I'm hardly ever wrong - but I'd guess you made the offer because that's the only way you think you can get him. Maybe you're hoping your Kama Sutra skills will make him change his mind. It won't. And that's when you'll become psycho. Clingy. Needy. Desperate. He's saying "no" to bypass that messy scene. And who could blame him?

2. He's not single. And lo and behold, the guy's got morals. Sure, he's tempted but if he answers your midnight booty call, he runs the risk of girlfriend/spouse finding out (and they almost always do) or ruining a sure thing. Cheating statistics are up, but not by the guys with the scruples to say "No."

3. He's just not that into you. Maybe you thought that giant tattoo on your forehead was cute in college, but to this guy, it might be a warning beacon to stand back. Or maybe toothpicks aren't his thing. Whatever the case, you're physically not doing it for him - which means you won't be doing it with him, either.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Inflating his ego

Spring has sprung and things are really looking up - especially for the boyfriend of "Rachel" who blasts me with probably the stupidest question I've ever heard. Brace yourself, Rachel's BF is a real boob. (Ha!)

"I really love my boyfriend and he says he wants to get married. But he won't propose until I get breast implants. He's hoping for a Double D." 

I bet he is.

Bloody hell. I could stuff my shirt with a pair of wool socks and still be a couple cups short of a D. And you can bet your ass I'd drop kick the first guy who asked me to get implants. But hey, that's just me.

You? Well, you're a fool. Your boob job will only help to inflate his already over ripe ego.

I'm willing to bet you've already made up your mind so quoting statistics and waxing poetic about "loving yourself the way you are" is going to go in one ear and out the other. I just hope you're smart enough to ask for an enlargement of your own.

That rock better guide ships home at night.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Sad Songs Blogfest

I think Jagger jinxed my blog post. I spent hours finding some of the best love songs of all time so I could take part in Spunk on a Stick's Sad Song Blogfest this morning.

I had the post ready for automatic publishing, even.

I woke up this morning, and it was gone. Completely.

So I'm going to do a quick and dirty version. First, let me clear the air. I am NOT Jagger.

I believe in romance. In love at first sight. In happily ever after. Too bad my aim is shit.

Monday through Friday, I fetch Jagger's coffee (she likes Hazelnut flavor), dream about Mr. Right, and mop up after Jagger's misses. Trust me, Cupid PR is a full-time job.

Here's the top 10 songs I listen to when Jagger isn't in the office, because hey, I'm a romantic, not an idiot.

1. Fools Rush In - Elvis (and many others)
I love this UB40 take on a classic love song.

2. Must Have Been Love - Roxette
Um, you've seen Pretty Woman, right? Best romantic movie ever. Even though I've seen it a hundred times, I want to shout at the screen, "don't worry, Julia! It IS love and he's coming for you..." Though, you kind of deserve to be led on a bit for that cheesy last line.

3. Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds
Another classic movie anthem. The Breakfast Club is a brilliant love story - and hey, Judd, I've never forgotten about you.

4. Every Breath You Take - The Police
Jagger calls this the creepy stalker song, but I think she just doesn't get it. I mean, how romantic is it that Sting is singing about a girl he loves so much, he can't stop watching her...right?

5. Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
If Ghost doesn't make you believe in eternal love, I know of a certain Cupid that would like to have coffee with you. For the rest of us, there's Patrick, Demi, and this song.

6. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
I admit, I loves me some boy bands. And a list without this Backstreet Boys song would be...well, incomplete.

7. Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
Yeah, Bonnie, I fall apart when I listen to this song, too. Sigh.

8. I'd Do Anything For Love - Meatloaf
In one Meatloaf song, love is out of the question, but in this cheesy (but awesome) ballad, lead vocalist Marvin Lee Aday would do anything for it...except lie. I like a man with morals.

9. Thank You for Loving Me - Bon Jovi
Yes, I do love you Jon, and all of your sad love songs. You're welcome.

10. I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner
Okay, so this is my true love mantra. It's the song that makes me want to run after Mr. Right screaming, "I want to know what love is. I want YOU to show me." I don't think that's obsessive at all.

Wow...that was kind of...depressing. Excuse me while I rob Jagger's stash of JD and join her long list of unloved, unrequited and just plain desperate.

But not you. YOU should go check out the rest of the blogs in the Spunk on a Stick's Sad Song Blogfest. Jagger will return to her snarky self on Truth Tuesday.

- The Assistant

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Drunk hook-up? Keep drinking

Time for a reality check, people. I get about 100 questions a week from you romance-challenged love fools, 100 more than I want to deal with. 

Most of the time, my assistant skims through the text, shortens it to one concise question and fires it off to me.
But neither of us could figure out how to shorten this drivel from "Jane" into one paragraph, let alone a single question. So hey, if I have to suffer, you can, too. Call it my version of spreading the love. (I almost gagged there.)

"Jagger, I got so drunk at an office party one night when my husband was out of town that, well, the VP of Sales looked so cute and inviting that we took it to a suite at the hotel. I woke up with a hangover that would have sunk the Titanic next to a man thirty years older than I am, looking in the light of day like an albino prune. I couldn't believe what I did.

Some friends say I should confess to my husband of fifteen years what I did to get it off my chest. They think I should beg for forgiveness. Others say I have no right to tell him, since I love him and won't ever do anything like this again, and that telling him will result in a loss of fifteen years of trust.

Really? For one lousy night?

Help me, Jagger. What should I do?"

Really? Were you still drinking when you wrote this, "Jane"? 

Whether you tell your husband or not, he's going to find out. You told your friends, and sugar, trust me, your name is already doing laps on the rumor mill. No matter how close you think you are, girls gossip. Yes, even friends.

But let's pretend you've got the kind of besties who will keep your secret close to their chests. Of course you should tell your husband - and then get on your knees. 

To beg for forgiveness. 

Because darling, you broke that 15 years of trust the minute you and Mr. Cute VP of Sales hooked up. (By the way, you don't actually think your co-workers missed you two sneaking off together, do you? If they're not snickering to your face, they're doing it behind your back.)

Bloody hell, and they blame me for today's high divorce rates.

Fess up, Jane, and take the consequences like a woman.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Oh yeah - I almost forgot. My assistant is taking over my blog this Friday to take part in some sad song blogfest. Knowing Heidi, there will be a lot of songs about love and losing love and blah blah blah. If you have an overwhelming desire to cry in your beer, you might want to check it out, March 30.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Flirting with danger

Hey you. Yes, YOU, the love fool with the spray paint. I don't give a shit if you want to replace the "C" on my lawn sign with a neon "ST" - but get caught and we'll see who the "stupid" one is.

Bloody hell.

Heads up, Truth followers, I'm in a surly mood and there's not enough Sweethearts in the world to make a dent. My assistant sifted through the hundreds of "relationship" questions you've sent over the past few weeks, and selected this whopper from,

"My best friend's husband and I always flirt, but lately, I feel like he's crossing some boundaries. I'm nervous about my husband thinking the wrong thing if he saw our emails?"

Holy hell, Daisy. This is all kinds of wrong. You're married. He's married. She's your best friend. No wonder "jealous rage" is a growing cause of death.


If he's crossing boundaries, then for God's sake, stop flirting. It doesn't get much more simple than that. Almost everyone has fantasies about having sex with someone other than their spouse - that's normal.

What isn't normal is exchanging sexy emails / texts / googly eyes /body fluids. The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice, instead, motivated by circumstance and emotion. Clearly something's messed up in your marriage (not to mention his) - fix it. Or get out. But don't use your best friend's husband to raise your self esteem - emotional infidelity can inflict as much, if not more hurt, pain and suffering as if you're caught actually doing the nasty. Is it worth it?

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Settle down? You'd have to be crazy!

Finally, a question I can really sink my teeth into.

"Commitment Phoebe" asks

 "I'm in a relationship with a great guy, but I'm not ready to settle down. Am I being silly?"

Hell no! Buy yourself a hero cookie for bypassing those rose-colored glasses. Sure he's Mr. Wonderful right now, but what happens when you move in together and he starts leaving the toilet seat up, drinking all your Jack Daniels, or worse, turning your dog into a drooling, treat-seeking traitor?

Settling, and settling down - two BIG relationship no-no's as far as I'm concerned. If the sex is good and you're satisfied, why change anything?  
But if he's the one already dreaming in white picket fences and mini-vans, I'd consider kicking this Mr.Desperate to the curb before things get out of hand.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Back in the saddle again

Turns out my Straight Jacket suggestion of last week wasn't overly popular. You can stop spamming my e-mail lady - I warned you.

Just like I'm warning this week's love fool, "Pete" who comes at me with this question:

After 26 years of divorce, and a few dates inbetween, can you give me a good reason to jump into the fire, or a good reason to stay out of it?

"Pete" goes on to say, "Thanks, Jagger. I'm asking you because I know you'll pull no punches."

Yeah, well, maybe save the thanks until you've read my response.

26 years? Bloody hell. Why would you even WANT to get back in the saddle again?

Look, the whole "dating" thing gives me the heebie jeebies. I can't even imagine doing it after 26 years, so I'm hard pressed to give you ONE good reason to jump back into the fire. Sex maybe...but it would be cheaper to buy a blow-up doll.

* deep breath *

I get that some people need companionship, romance, blah blah blah. And if you're one of those people, then I guess you've got your reasons for hopping on the dating merry-go-round. All the power to ya.

Personally, you wouldn't catch me on that ride for all the Jack Daniels in the world.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

To commit or not to commit

Technology bites.

I was supposed to blog yesterday and the bloody Internet kept crapping out on me. Now I've got a bunch of angry new love fools looking for advice. You people really are suckers for punishment. I figured after last week's post, my advice would be as welcome as a Christmas party hangover. I was wrong.

Wouldn't be the first time.

This week's question comes from "Number Dancer" (How original)

"I've been dating a man for three years. How do I get him to commit?"

Order this.

Really? You can't hurry love, and forcing it is illegal, so your options are pretty much limited. Might be time for some self reflection - why are you looking for commitment? If it's that big a deal, you could try an ultimatum (good luck with that), or maybe stop settling for Mr. Right Now and grasp blindly in the dark for that, you know, true love BS.

Yeah, I know, love bites.

- Jagger

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Cheater or surprise sneaker?

And so it begins...

In the name of accessibility - or frankly keeping my new assistant off my ass - I'm going to start dishing out advice for you lovefools people every Tuesday. Consider it, Truth Tuesday. Ha!

Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. It ain't going to be pretty.

This from "Aaron."

My boyfriend has been very distant and secretive lately. What are the chances that he's planning a surprise (marriage proposal?) versus him cheating on me?


Look honey, I hate to be the one to break your heart, but the statistics on cheating kind of bite. About 22% of married men admit they've strayed at least once during their marriage. But even more alarming - 70% of their spouses had no idea it was going on. Seriously?

Lipstick on the collar? Late night meetings? Hushed conversations? Do you really need to be beat over the head with your vibrator? They're cliches for a reason...

Women aren't much better - 14% admit to having looked for "love" in all the wrong places. It's just men are better at reading the clues. Only 58% missed the bright neon "your wife is cheating" sign.

Seriously though, if your betrothed isn't in the habit of planning surprises, crossing your fingers isn't going to get you closer to the alter. My advice, ditch this heartless cheater.

I know, love bites.

- Jagger